Five Years

I can’t believe it, but five years ago today I lost my mom to cancer. With everything in our life being turned upside down the past couple of months, I haven’t really had the chance to dwell on today like I usually do leading up to it. I’m thankful for that. I remember dreading getting to the five year mark when I made it through the first year because five years is such a long time to not see her. I was talking with my brother, Matt, this morning about how difficult it is for me to remember her voice now. I still remember all the little things she said all the time, but not the intonation of her voice. My sister-in-law Mar was telling me she didn’t realize until this morning just how young I was when we lost her and how much has happened in my life that she didn’t get to be here for. That is so true for me. I really went through a lot of my life with her being sick with cancer, and then lost her at 19. Even harder to deal with is the fact that she missed meeting TJ by only 4 months. I grieve for TJ and the fact that they never got to connect personally like the rest of the family got the chance to. Luckily, TJ is an amazing man that makes a conscious effort to genuinely get to know her through all of us and keep her an active part of our lives through her memory. He comments all the time how he feels like he knows her, but hates that he missed her.

I’m proud of myself for being able to come through the grief and integrate her death into my everyday life…thank you to Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman for that specifically. There isn’t a day that goes by the I don’t talk about her, or wonder what she would say or do in a given situation. There are still days when it hits me like a ton of bricks and I am overcome with her absence, but there are far more good days than bad now. I can’t wait to have kids and on her birthday make a big cake to celebrate her life with my little ones.

The biggest lesson I have learned through her loss is that it is my job to live the life she would have lived if she had gotten the chance. That’s what I try to do.

I’m so thankful I got the years with her that I did, and that she and I had such a great relationship that I can have reason to miss her as much as I do.

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