No one can understand this place unless you have been there. I realize as I type this, the vast majority will just think I’m nuts.
Once I found out I was pregnant with Sadie, I was of course, elated. But there shortly after finding out, I was slammed with some emotions I hadn’t felt for a long time. Being faced with being a mom instantly brought me back to the realization that I would be a mom without my own mom. It was truly like I had lost her all over again. I was mourning her in a whole new light. I guess I should have expected it since I only lost her at 19 years old and never really had conversations with her about me having a family without her there. But my point is, through that, I found it impossible to even think about having Sadie without my family surrounding me and giving me some familiarity. I also couldn’t imagine having Sadie anywhere else but the same place I lost my mom 6 years ago. As crazy as it sounds, I had to be at that specific hospital for things to come full circle and be at the place where I had last seen my mom alive to bring new life into the world. So, we moved back to California. Endured 7 long months with no job, and as soon as we came back, felt a big gaping hole with what we left behind in Dallas.
I learned a lot about myself in coming back home. I learned a lot about the love my husband has for me in being willing to give up everything to make sure his wife is happy. Even putting his future on the line. I learned that my mom taught me things about being a mom without me even knowing it, and I can take those lessons with me anywhere. I learned that life has to go on despite the pain you live with when you mourn someone you ache for. I especially learned that I have started my own family to pour myself into. And for that reason, I have to continue down the road God led us in by opening the doors to go to DTS and grow our own roots as a family.
So, to Dallas. We miss it. We miss our apartment looking over the skyline from downtown. We sorely miss our friends, who although we only have known a short time, became like family to us. It was a tight-knit community unlike any other. TJ misses the challenge of academic life Dallas Theological Seminary offers and the comradery of students and the faculty.
We prayed about it for months, we talked about it, and we know we somehow need to make it back there to finish what we started. For us, it not only makes financial sense for us to do so to set us up for a debt-free life for our marriage and our kiddos, but it will give us some peace-something we’ve needed since we got back to California.
We’re going to miss family here, but for this time in our lives, we know without a doubt this is where God has led us to prepare for ministry. We can’t wait to go back and for God to open the doors!
In the meantime we’ll be here in AV prepping to get back by Fall for the next couple of months (hopefully)…