Insomnia

I’ve been reading through “Authentic Faith” by Gary Thomas with some other gals the past few weeks and decided to pick up the book tonight after staring at my ceiling for 2 hours since I couldn’t sleep (night #2) because of the stress of our unknown future that seems to be rapidly approaching.

We are supposed to be moving back to Dallas so TJ can finish his Th.M. at Dallas Theological Seminary next month. Problem is we don’t have a job yet. Not even an interview.

TJ and I have been growing increasingly stressed, anxious, discontent, and just downright depressed over the possibility of us having to turn down our dream to get back to where we feel God has led us for an another unknown period of time. I keep asking God, “Why are you so slow to move us back there?!” Doesn’t He want us to be where we can get back on track to prepare for full time ministry?!

Thomas writes a whole chapter that is dedicated to contentment…something I admittedly lack a lot of lately.

All I’ve been thinking the past few months has been I don’t want to live here in this stupid apartment anymore!  I want Sadie to run around the halls of Swiss Tower with her little friends. I want my door to be open all the time while people pass up and down the hall dropping in to say hi. I want TJ to come home from class spewing all the new things he learned from his Prof. with me not understanding a word of it. I want to see my husband excited for his future again instead of dreading another day at a job he hates.

Thomas explains that being discontent isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it can be used for good to fuel a positive change and serve as a healthy motivation for you to better yourself.

“It’s a commitment to being thankful for what we have, even while we may be working toward something better.”

But more often than not, discontentment often coincides with a dissatisfaction with God’s providence in our lives.

“Instead of being thankful for the privileges afforded them, they became obsessed with the privileges denied them.”

I guess I fall in a dangerous wedge between a healthy and unhealthy discontentment. The challenge for me is to be content even in the midst of my discontentment. I need to remind myself that God has blessed us with a well paying job that is making our ends meet. We have a roof over our head and food to put on the table. We have a goal and believe we are in God’s will and are trying to be obedient to the call. We are all healthy and Sadie is thriving every single day of her life.

God’s timing is always perfect and He will always orchestrate circumstances exactly how He sees fit. No matter where we live, what kind of money we make, or what job we have, we need to learn to trust where He has us for now, and wait in patient anticipation for what He has planned for us next.

“We can always think of ways to improve our lives, but then again, we can also always think of things to be thankful for. Which mental pursuit marks your days?”


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