Motherless Daughter and an Internal Calendar

Showing off my BA grad cap. A huge accomplishment after a devestating loss.

There are numerous days throughout the year that I instinctively have a hard time functioning. Normally, I am a pretty happy, goofy person. But on a handful of days, the thought of getting out of bed is like a 20-foot wall I have to scale. I lose all motivation to do anything, be with anyone, or fulfill any sort of adult responsibility. Sometimes I cry for no reason, my heart seems to beat faster than normal, and I get more headaches. And I have these days without even thinking about why.

This has happened time and time again until this past year when I took note of the actual calendar days and realized my own phyche was mourning even if I didn’t consciously take the time to stop and acknowledge it.

It all starts on May 14. The day my Mom went into the hospital and was never going to leave those walls again. Then I take a hit on Mother’s Day a few days later. My hardest day of the year is the anniversary of my Mom’s death, which is today. Then there is her birthday.

I get a slight break from the greiving until my birthday comes along in November. I used to love my birthday so much, but as I get older, I am also getting closer to the age when she was first diagnosed with cancer and know that someday I will most likely hit and surpass the age of her own demise.

I imagine that Sadie turning 12 will be hard for me. That’s how old I was when my Mom first got diagnosed. It will be harder when she is 19, the age I was when I lost my Mom. It will be surreal to understand as a Mom how she is able to process harder circumstances at these ages when I felt so limited.

Then there are some other transitional days, like when I graduated from college despite me losing her after my Freshman year. Or my wedding day. The only wedding of her kids she missed. Or the birth of our Sadie or when I will give birth to our son. They are glorious and painful all at the same time.

The happier the occassion, the harder the sting as well.

It’s these days where I am actually thankful I had such a loving Mom that I miss her still as much as I do. I don’t plan on fighting the unconscious uprising urges to grieve. It’s simply days like these that I am reminded that…

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. -Job 1:21

To read last year’s beautiful tribute to my Mom for Sadie thanks to many of her close friends, go here.

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9 thoughts on “Motherless Daughter and an Internal Calendar

  1. Ah, dear sweet Jesse, my heart aches with yours. I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about my Dad’s death. He lived with us during the last four years of his life and actually took care of me for two years when I was battling COPD.

    My thoughts, prayers and love are with you on this sad day, dear Jesse. Love you, Cathy

  2. My heart is heavy and tears are flowing. You are making your mom proud. I just know it. She is all around you and you are an extension of her. You and I share a lot of the same feelings…I was 20. I know it has made me a better mom, my children mean everything to me and my mom’s life and death made me oh so aware of this. ((Hugs)) She is so blessed to have you for a daughter. I know that waiting to be reunited gets me through : ) Blessings, Dori

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  5. Love You Jess,,,,,,You are in my thoughts,,,,You are a very strong woman,, But you gotta know its O,K, to let the tears come thru sometimes,,, I Love You Jessie,, You are A WONDERFUL Daughter In Law,,,,,& I love you with all my heart,,You make me so proud !!!! Love Nana B,,,

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