Take Two

You know when you have those days when you just feel off? You feel like you walk around all day on the verge of tears, yet can’t specifically put your finger on why? It’s just a lot of emotions overwhelming you all at once and none of them you really can do much about?

I went into the Dr. yesterday for my weekly check-up on Baby Boy. It wasn’t really a bad appointment at all. I was sort of stressed about asking him questions about circumcising for the Bris and how on earth we could work it out so we won’t go into debt paying for it since our health insurance seems to think it shouldn’t be covered as a newborn procedure if you do it on the 8th day as opposed to before discharge from the hospital. Who cares that we’re trying to follow a religious rite of passage. But we worked it out. Stress over.

I also lost 7 pounds in the past week! It didn’t make any sense to me because I feel like I’m retaining a lot more fluid at this point, and we ate out literally every meal this past week with my MIL visiting from out of state and being busy all over creation, but it’s true. Maybe it’s because I feel full all the time and can’t get much of anything down at this point. Total weight gain for pregnancy is below 30 pounds (as I pat myself on the back).

The bad news was that my blood pressure was up. Too high. Not scary high, but high enough that he checked me for Pre-eclampsia. Luckily, it came back negative. I was given orders to relax, take stress out of my life, get a massage (rough, I know), and get my blood pressure checked for the next 3 days.

If you know my story with Sadie, just the fact that this is happening to me right now at this point makes me uneasy. It immediately had my head swirling with horrible outcomes I experienced as a result of this the last go around…

  • Induction
  • Painful, long labor
  • Not ever getting the chance to push
  • Emergency C-section
  • Not being able to breath and not knowing why
  • Gestational heart failure
  • Leaving Sadie on her 3rd day of life
  • No control
  • Creating an unforeseen financial disaster that was only averted thanks to generous strangers

This entire pregnancy I have been praying that God would make this time different. That He would keep me and this unborn baby healthy, out of harms way, and allow me the blessing of experiencing labor how I have always desired it…especially after an experience like last time.

I have taken good care of myself. Ate healthfully (with allowance for cravings), exercised, watched weight gain like a hawk, and paid attention to my body and what it needed.

I’ve been thinking positively about labor. Natural labor. Going into labor naturally. Working on my hesitations and fears as a result of last time.

I know God already knows the day of Baby Boy’s impending birth. He knows the circumstances before, during, and after. He has ordained it all and is in control. I am confident in those things.

For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

-Psalm 139:13-15

I guess there is just a part of me that is mourning the fact that I have no control whatsoever and may very well be looking down a similar road I encountered the first time around.

I pray that it isn’t.

Please pray with me…

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