Did I anticipate there being bad days? Yes.
Did I know it would be hard. Of course.
Despite all of my head knowledge, getting used to the demands of two kids is tough. Being a Mom is the hardest job, period.
But when your normally well-behaved toddler starts screaming, throwing, and tantruming every time you breastfeed (which for Jonah lately has been every hour and a half followed by at least 10 minutes of me holding him upright due to oversupply before I can lay him down) or pitching a fit when you tell her to do something, your confidence as a Mom giving both kids what they need rapidly takes a dive.
I feel spread too thin.
In her eyes, I can do nothing right at this moment.
I can’t wear him to have my hands free. I can’t not sit with her at the table while she refuses to eat again. I can’t do much of anything.
There’s such a fine line in allowing there to be a certain level of healthy frustration from Sadie as she adjusts to having a brother who needs a lot from me and not allowing her to get away with acting inappropriate just because she’s going through a temporary phase.
I don’t want her to feel like she’s not being heard because I put her in a time-out for not listening after she’s been warned, when I know the root of the issue is she is just insecure, not bad.
I feel guilty that all she wants is to play with me and spend quality time with me so she knows I still love her just the same when I am being pulled in so many other directions.
But she also needs to learn that I can’t be her entertainment every moment that she’s awake. She needs to be more independent.
Jonah needs to be fed, burped, changed, and stimulated also. There are two kids, not one.
I can’t just put him down in his chair to sit there all day while I attend to all her wants.
And I need to be able to get things done and have moments to think. To make dinner. To go to the bathroom uninterrupted. To brush my teeth. To organize the bills. To change out the laundry.
You start to question yourself…
- Am I still a good Mom?
- Am I the only one going through this?
- Is this ever going to get any easier?
- Why do I have to be so tired and impatient while dealing with an issue this huge?
It’s just one of those hard days that has recently morphed into a hard week-long situation that I can’t seem to get a handle on.
I expected this, yet I still feel blind-sided.