The other night I sat on the floor on the other side of Jonah’s room against his door in a daze. It was such a hard day…again. With my phone still on mute, I replayed the video I had taken earlier that day of him screaming on the floor, spread out, rolling, and writhing in pain. My eyes winced through the tears as I replayed the video, analyzing his sharp movements and despair and I could hear the screams like a piece of shattered glass without the volume. I deleted the video, went back in his room and watched him sleep, finally still. I picked him up, and while he slept in my arms, pleaded with God for me to have an answer.
I can’t even begin to explain what’s going on with Jonah because I don’t know.
But what I do know is that something is wrong.
It started out as just acknowledging that he hadn’t been very happy for a couple days. And then it turned into a couple of months. We tried to justify it by saying he was just a more needy baby lately. He sleeps fine. Yea, he has issues eating and with so many complicated food allergies still coming out of the woodwork, but he’ll be okay once we figure it all out with his allergist. Maybe his teeth are bothering him really badly. Perhaps he is about to his another developmental milestone and he’s having a hard time. He’s just more clingy than Sadie was. He loves his Mommy holding him. Maybe we’re just being alarmists and over-thinking it all.
But when TJ and I take an honest look at his behavior, we know that he has way more bad days than good ones. Way more hours of screaming and thrashing himself inconsolably onto the floor than playing with his toys and exploring.
I’ve been in denial for a while. But all week I’ve been in a panic with this sense of urgency in my gut that I can’t shake no matter how hard I try to ignore it or think positively. And now, this morning, I am ready. I’m ready to figure out what it is that is stealing my baby boy’s joy.
I have no idea what it is, how it will unfold, or what will come of any of it. But I am trusting my gut and starting the journey.
Please pray for our little guy.
*Thank you to all of my friends who have not taken no for an answer, offered prayers around my family, food, drop-offs and clung to me despite how crazy I feel navigating through this. I appreciate you.